I'm No Saint

"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
— Mother Teresa

I find that quote a fittingly ironic description of my life now as a mommy by proxy. I have been and still am, most times, an unwilling parent propelled by unknown expectations into doing the seemingly impossible (for me), wanting to be a mother. The perpetually ungrateful are my two children, ages 14 months and 3 years old. My qualifications? Reluctantly parenting, whenever, wherever, however, forever.

When I was asked, almost three years ago, to adopt my niece, I cried, and cried and cried. I was absolutely terrified. I never wanted to have children. I did not adopt my kids because I am a good-hearted, generous person or because I couldn't have any of my own. I became a parent out of obligation. Obligation to my family, to my husband, to the foster family, to my guilt and to my own dysfunctional perfectionist ideals.

While I can't say I always enjoy being a parent, I do truly love my children and I want only the happiest of lives for them. So why am I lamenting about this?

Because I need to know someone out there knows what I am going through. Because I need validation for giving up my life and maybe redemption for regretting it. Because it is true and I was tired of holding it all in. Because there is no going back but maybe this will help me to keep going on. Because I desperately want to want to be a mother and become the mom my children deserve.