Phantom Limbs

It is still.


Saturday evening, good music on, typing away, undisturbed, on the couch with a drink next to me. That would NEVER happen if my kids were home.

There would major disturbances and definitely no beverage, especially an adult beverage, resting peacefully on the table next to me. I could close my eyes if I wanted to and tilt my head back. No high-pitched screaming or relentless whining would commence. I can have an uninterrupted thought. No searing pain from unexpected head-butts to my face. I can do anything or nothing. No elbows digging into my chest or little fingers poking into my eyeballs.  The possibilities are endless.


So...what's the problem???


I miss my babies (sssiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhh). I LOVE them sooooo much, sometimes I think my heart will explode. Don't be so surprised, I do have a heart.


They have become little appendages to my physical body and consciousness, a bond not easily broken by time or distance. Usually with me everywhere I go and most of the time, clinging to me.  My mind is always on child high alert. Where are they? What are they doing? Why is it so quiet? Any sounds they make or subtle expressions and my mommy brain perks up. They float and swoosh around me constantly and when they are gone, something feels amiss. A friend put it perfectly, like the unnatural calm in the eye of a hurricane.

G is a such a cuddler. He adores to snuggle and give kisses. L is a force of nature. My heart smiles when we sing together at night. They are smart, funny, curious kids. I treasure their adoration and sweet gestures, like when L softly strokes my face or says, "Mommy, you has pwetty hayer".   Or when G clings onto me like a little monkey when I am carrying him, I feel important, like the center of his little universe. I shudder imagine what their lives would have been like had they been bounced around to different foster homes and/or returned to their bio-parents.


I truly appreciate the expressions of unconditional love I receive and and am able to share. I am not just faking it. Despite being at odds with my restless nature, I exercise my Vows of Motherhood faithfully. Regardless of this struggle, I am hopelessly bound by heartstrings. My children are innocents in all of this and I would protect them fiercely.

Enough with that, my drink awaits and they are at Gramma's house tonight. YES!