Today is one of those days.
Today I do not want to be a parent. I want a time-machine. I want to go back. I am fed up with trying to be a "good person". I am angry. Angry at myself for agreeing to raise someone else's children when I knew I never wanted that life. I am tired of being nice. Tired of doing the right thing. Just plain tired. I will choke down a desperate wail of frustration at the unfairness of it all. I will mourn the loss of my freedom. Today, I will spend my whole existence entirely for others and I will hate it.
Today, the title "Mommy" will be followed a wishful little echo in my mind saying, "Auntie". I will feel overwhelmed at the enormity of providing good foundations for the lives of two new people. I will feel trepidation at the thought of dealing with teenagers one day. I don't want this and I will feel guilty for thinking that. Today, I will try my best to hide my true feelings. Today I will feel sorry for myself.
That was actually yesterday. If I didn't give myself permission to acknowledge all of that, today might not have been a better day.
for not wanting kids you are a good parent K. i know some mommies who chose to have kids and are crappy parents. not only do they think about not wanting to be a parent, they act it. THEN they have more kids!
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ReplyDelete@gRoveSt, I appreciate that and I totally agree.
ReplyDelete@kaylynrenee, don't worry, I promise it won't be all doom and gloom. :)
Expressing your anger is good, healthy...think primal scream therapy. I do it in my car, but you can't because of the kids (sigh).
ReplyDelete@Lissa Shea, thanks! You are exactly right! When your kids are always around you can't just express your frustration how/when you feel like it.
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